Never leave an idiot in charge of power tools
So this is an interlude post. As well as recognising what a sterling job I’ve been doing with the restoration I thought it important that I catalogue my clusterfucks too. This post is not in chronological order. As mentioned previously I’ve been very tardy with updating my progress so with the benefit of hindsight I can showcase these magnificent events.
I’ve never claimed to be adept at using my hands, or even using tools of any description. In fact my nearest and dearest could probably tell a story or two. Whatever. My Director of Operations Zed is actually right this minute tearing his hair out and comfort eating at something I did to the boat this last weekend (21st May 2018) but you’ll have to wait until I eventually get around to writing that update.
In no particular order:
Anchor Locker
Whilst doing something inside the boat, I forget what, I managed to rip a huge gaping hole in the anchor locker. It’s easily fixed, nothing a bit of blu-tack and cardboard won’t fix. Still not something I was envisioning of needing to fix. Onwards and upwards.
Light My Fire
Whilst on my numerous travels to and from the boat I’ve brought some bits and pieces home with me with the intention of working on them here. This of course would increase my work hours on the boat exponentially. One of those pieces is what is, or at least used to be the rudder. The plan was to take the metal brackets off of it and then sand the wood and then treat it. There was a slight problem though.
The blasted screws were rusted to the brackets and no amount of swearing at them helped loosen them. So I pulled out the big guns. Or gun. My trusty £20 drill from B&Q. As mentioned previously I am very inept at using tools. I know you get different drill bits for different surfaces. Wood, plaster and metal drill bits. No I don’t know what the fucking difference is. Do you? They all look the same, if only in different colours. I fired up my drill with the appropriately sized bit (guess work mate, guess work) and set to drilling those stubborn as hell screws.
A few seconds of drilling later and the friction between the screws and the drill bit was such that the screws had gone red, like in a metal foundry, only in this scenario the foundry was wood. Can you guess what happened next? Yes, if I’d been doing this inside the house, not only our smoke alarm, but the smoke alarms three doors down would have been set off.
At first I thought if I stopped drilling for a bit the screw would cool and I could then continue but alas, no it just took that much quicker for the screw to heat up and glow again. I gave up. I must be the only person to have ever set a boat rudder alight. Rudder is currently gathering dust in the garage.
Every Hole is a Goal
I don’t know about you but as far as I am concerned water is supposed to be outside of the boat and not in it. That’s the whole point of boats right? Way back when, when the boat was in Southampton I found a way to drain the water out of the boat:
As the water level dropped two little drainage holes became visible. I assumed that they were some sort of drains so poked my finger into one of the holes and wriggled that finger around like a horny teenager. Whatever was blocking the hole had dislodged itself and the water drained out rather speedily. Again, not the first time I’ve fingered a date and she’s dried out.
So as you can imagine I was rather disappointed when water started collecting in her at her new home. The depth of the water wasn’t high enough to drain through the drainage holes, alternatively you could say the drainage holes weren’t low enough to allow the water to drain. Glass half full or half empty depending on your outlook on life. Either way there was still motherfucking water in the boat.
If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain.
So that’s what I did. In a fit of anger I drilled a hole as low as I possibly could in the transom* so as much water could drain out as possible.
*Transom – The money you pay to those who have kidnapped a trans person.
Or
The flat surface forming the stern of the boat.