“What the fucking hell have you done you imbecile!”
“I done bought me a floaty motherfucker!”
“You’re an idiot!”
“Yes but an idiot that now owns a yacht!”
After the initial panic of winning the boat subsided reality started to seep in rather quickly. My work colleagues were the first I broke the news to. Having worked with me for numerous years they’ve become rather used to the shit I get up to. It didn’t stop them from laughing mind you. It’s one thing giving your work mates yet another reason to take the piss but how do you break the news to friends and family that you’ve just accidentally bought a boat, which is dry standing in Southampton, has no mast no engine and you’ve only seen one picture of her?
Facebook. Facebook is how I did it. It went down like a lump of cold sick at first but slowly people started realising that it might actually be a cool little project. Their advice though was that if it was a heap of shit to cut my losses and just abandon it and put it down to a bad experience. I agreed, however there was no way I was giving her up that easily. Having a dream within your grasp and then letting go could lead to psychological issues later on. Well at least it would add to those I already have.
I contacted the seller to say I was going to come down and view the boat and asked whether they could furnish any other information about her. No. All they knew was she was a 17 footer. I asked about storage and they advised that they could store her for 3 months at £100 p/m. Cool! At least I’d have a 3 month window to decide whether she was worth saving.
I dragged Booger down with me for a day out and after a near 4 hour trip got down to Southampton for midday to meet the seller. I spent about thirty minutes looking her over before I handed over payment. I paid for the boat and a month’s worth of storage.
Like most first dates it was a little nervy and awkward at first but after I got to look her over and touch her up a bit I was smitten. Sure she had a few imperfections but they added to her character. It’s not often you go out on a first date and a bird has her balls out from the off (See featured image).
In no particular order:
Most of the work that needs to be done on her is cosmetic. A liposuction here, a bit of botox there and she’ll be good to go. There were two main concerns. Firstly she was holding a lot of water which in itself is not a bad thing because it means there are no leaks but would mean a lot of work would need to be done. More importantly though she seemed to have a hole on the hull just above the waterline.
“You idiot! She’s a fucking munter, just hit and run! Hit and run!”
“Don’t be such a shallow cunt, she might have a nice personality.”
“Dude, this is worse than that time you joined Tinder.”
“Shut up. Just shut up!”
I didn’t catch her name, she didn’t offer it nor did I ask.