For a few years now I’ve really wanted a boat. It stems from my travels across Europe and seeing them up close. I know the square root of fuck all about boats apart from the fact that they float. I’ve never sailed, never been in control of and certainly never owned one. The closest I’ve come is owning a kayak. A totally different kettle of fish altogether. Over the last few years my inner pipe dreamer has been at battle with my common sense.
“What in the name of all that is holy are you going to do with a fucking boat?”
“I can satisfy the wanderlust that’s been eating at my soul since I was a kid.”
“But you know nothing about boats!”
“So? Just imagine being anchored off a beach somewhere sipping a Pina Colada whilst ogling a fit girl parading near naked on deck!”
“Grow up dude! It’s never going to happen!
“Pffft! I’ll show you!”
And that is how it started…
I’ve been watching and then bidding on boats advertised on eBay for quite a while now. Experienced enough to know which heaps of shit would go for how much. The strategy I used from the start was:
- Find a cheap boat
- Watch for a few days to see how much bidding action the boat was attracting.
- Placing my maximum bid of £100 straight away and then waiting and watching.
I think I’ve bid on about 15 boats in that time and have experienced mild panic with a few minutes to go as the highest bidder and then had to deal with the disappointment as I was outbid at the last minute. To say the rush of doing something as stupid as buying a boat is addictive is somewhat of an understatement. Gradually though the disappointment was starting to outweigh the thrill and I stopped bidding on boats. I couldn’t deal with the hope of satisfying that wanderlust and then the bitter disappointment straight after losing the auction.
Two weeks ago I decided I needed the thrill again and followed my usual strategy knowing full well I’d never win. I stuck my £100 on as the max bid and waited, constantly checking whether I was the highest bidder. Fifteen minutes before auction end I was still the highest bidder at £82 and the panic set in. I reassured myself based on previous history that I would lose the auction at the last moment.
Five minutes to go, still the highest bidder. (£82)
Four minutes to go, still the highest bidder. (£82)
Three minutes to go, still the highest bidder. (£82)
Forty-five seconds to go, still the highest bidder (£82)
Don’t panic you’ve been here before. (£82)
Close my eyes. Wait. Open them. I’m the winner!
But wait! This has happened before. Refresh the screen and I bet you’ll have been outbid.
No. I wasn’t outbid. But you know that anyway. There wouldn’t have been any point writing this if I had lost.
And THAT is how I accidentally bought a boat.