If you’d told me today’s plan would include fighting with, losing my shit with, ripping down, and then throwing away a sheet of plastic, I’d have told you, you were wrong. But then I’d be lying. Jesus H. Titty Wanking Christ, If I ever see another piece of plastic sheeting again, I’m going to wrap myself in it and vacum seal it.
Let me take a step back. The other day, The Mother Unit asked me if I could cover over her mobility scooter to stop it from getting mucky whilst it was being stored. She handed over a a still sealed pack of plastic sheeting she’d bought from Homebase. Being the obedient golden boy of course I obliged. That was my first mistake.
I opened up the pack, and unrolled the plastic, and as I was doing so thought, “Bloody hell this would be ideal to cover the cockpit pit with!”. That was my second mistake.
I nipped down to our friendly local DIY store and bought two packs of said sheeting. That was my third mistake. £6 each though! Bargain!
My plan for today was to get to the boat, throw up the plastic sheeting, give myself a pat on the back and then crack on with my to-do list. Only it didn’t quite work out that way did it? First attempt seemed to go well, until about half way through when the wind picked up. In doing so it revealed that the sheet of plastic was actually one long strip of plastic with both ends attached to each other and I hadn’t realised. I was on the phone with Zed whilst doing it and sent a video of what I was trying to achieve, he was encouraging as always.
Anyway I tried getting the sheeting up in a few different configurations, and when I was finally happy with what I had done I decided to get off the boat and take a picture. That was my fourth mistake.
Remember some fat twat broke the step a few days ago? Well, I’m having to climb out of the boat in a different way these days. Only, I couldn’t could I? On account of the fact THE FUCKING CANOPY WAS IN THE FUCKING WAY! Fifth mistake.
I know you’re all following like obedient little disciples, can you guess what the sixth mistake was? No? The canopy was covering over about 15 holes that were ready for a second run of filler. Fuck my fucking life. Plastic sheeting is now in the bin.
I’m almost certain I heard the neighbours across from me laughing their heads off, although I may have just been paranoid. Comedy of fucking errors. That whole exercise took about an hour and a half. Precious time wasted.
Moving swiflty on. Once I’d “recycled” that plastic wanker I cracked on with doing the second run of filling. With hardener that didn’t come with the tin of filler. It worked a treat and I saved myself some money. Although it probably only offset the cost of the plastic sheeting. I got all the second run holes filled, and once that was dry, sanded them. There are now only about 5 or 6 holes that need a third run. I have significantly reduced the number of holes in the boat. That’s progress right? Hmmm a quick note here. You know I covered over all the massive holes with tarpaulin? I also inadvertently covered over some screw/bolt holes. So those need sorting still.
One of the other items on my to-do list today was to measure 4 other holes. Two of which I was planning to cover anyway to facilitate my bench idea, those are the bullet shaped cut outs on the inside of the cockpit. The ones covered in tarpaulin. I have named them Port Bullet and Star Bullet. The other two holes are on the outer hull. If you look carefully through the bullet lockers you’ll see ventilation grills. It’s those fuckers I’m going to fill. They have names too! Slot Gob and Liar Liar. Named after Cherie and Tony Blair. So 4 new members of the “Every Hole is a Goal Family”.
After measuring those I proceeded to uninstall all the drainage holes around the boat. Because yes, those are getting covered/filled too. “But why Beasty?” I hear you ask. Remember I’m a little retard. So a little bit of OCD. None of the holes are the same size but more importantly they’re not symmetrical. As in Slot Gob may be on the opposite side of the boat to Liar Liar but they’re not in the same position. Ditto drainage holes. I want the boat to be as symmetrical as possible. I know. Fucking weirdo. Leave me alone.
The big achievement of the day was finally being able to rmove the fuel and water tanks. They’ve been nagging at me from the start. I’ve attempted to uninstall unsuccessfully before. But today was a win. They’re now sitting in the boot of my car. I may upcycle them. We’ll see.
Removing those tanks now gives me more access to the area behind them. That needs sorting. It’s a right mess. I didn’t think there was a single person on the planet who could fuck up a boat more than me, but I fear I may have some strong competition. Unsure of what the objective was here for all the holes. But I need to clean, reglass and then paint these bits. It may be a Booger job to get in there and clean. As a bonus for you all, you can get a whole new view of Pork Pie 1 and 2.
The only other thing I did on the boat today was to unscrew the little hooks on the outside of the boat that must have been for the previous cockpit cover. They’re not needed yet, so they’ll be filled too.
If you’ve been keeping an eye on the Spunkometer you may have noticed it’s jumped up a bit to just over £1400. That’s because I’ve bought some supplies, but have also added this month’s mooring fees to it.
I have also made a friend. The swan was back today.