Yes, I know it’s not that type of winter yet, but that’s not the point of this post. In fact this post is so far removed from anything boat or snow related you may wonder whether you’ve landed on the right site or not. You have. But, it seems like I need to do some explaining. I guess it’s a very short self-psychoanalysis, I guess to give people a very quick long(I may need to re-edit this at some point – Yup, quick scribbled out and long inserted) layman’s version, of just what the fuck is wrong with me. It’s definitely not a “woe is me” post, just a brief explainer for those not in the know, for those people I’ve allowed back in my life (at least online). Old friends, old school mates, and chicks. Once I’m done, we can all move on with our lives. And possibly enjoy said lives to our fullest ability.
It’s taken me almost exactly 50 years to have even a slight understanding of who I am and what the actual fuck is up with my head. Even then I’m not an expert. I don’t think I ever will be. No one will be, and I quite like that fact. Anyway, moving very swiftly on to a more serious tone.
Someone asked me today, why I always have to be so crass, at first that throw away comment flew straight over my head. But then I got to thinking. Never, ever a good thing for Beasty. Ever. Then I realised, if a complete stranger happened across this site, or in fact any of my social media from the last 15 years, they’d think, “What a massive fucking bellend”. It’s true, I probably am, and based on what they’d seen, I wouldn’t balme them. But I’d also call them a raging fucking snowflake. All’s fair in…blah,blah, blah.
Why am I always so crass? Because I fucking want to, that’s why! But deeper than that, it’s a proactive defence mechanism, at least in adult life anyway. When I was younger I always saw myself as the class clown. I think we all did to a certain degree anyway. For me, it was just to get noticed, because of low self-esteem, and low confidence and to try and be one of the popular kids. (It never worked by the way). That, in adult life has translated into me being what some most people call an attention whore. That’s it. Nail. On. Head. I am I know that, and I do try not to be, but it’s so ingrained there’s not much hope for me, additionallly it’s now who I am.
All my closest friends and family know it. Those that have stuck around have stuck for years, I mean like decades. They know I’m a loud-mouthed, crass, controversial dickhead, but they also know me and my essence at its core. Well, I fucking hope so anyway. Their bad if they’re still hanging around after all this time if they don’t.
The things I say, and the way I say them is nothing more than attention seeking, usually because I like making people laugh, or cringe, it’s all attention innit? Most of the time I don’t even believe half the controversial stuff I say. Yes, I have strong opinions on some things, I figure we all do. I just happen to voice them on public forums. Probably in the hope I get noticed, doesn’t matter by who, JUST GIVE ME THAT VALIDATION MOTHERFUCKER! And noticed I have been, I think I’m at 4 arrests or something stupid for contravening the Communications Act of 19-I don’t give a flying fuck what year. (Not recently, I’ve been a good boy, believe it or not).
Come on! How many people do you know who can associate restoring a boat, with Smurfette and her tits and bits out for all and sundry? Not many I hazard. That’s some funny fucking shit. In my head anyway.
I also wholeheartedly believe I have some form of undiagnosed ADHD or whatever the hell it’s called these days. You may have noticed that all of my posts are littered with spelling errors, typos and pretty shit grammar. That’s not because I’m a thick, uneducated cunt, because I’m not, I’m just lazy and don’t have the inclination to go back and fix them. It’s because I rush to get things out, because once it’s in my head it stays there for all of two minutes, and if I don’t spew it out straight away another thought will take its place. It’s a curse, once I have an idea, for anything, I play it over in my head and that’s it, it’s done. For example I have, at last count anyway, about 4 unfinished screenplays, which I believe would make fucking awesome films. (Don’t all writers say that?) The problem is however, that those stories have been thought about and written in my head, so are complete. Those screenplays will stay unfinished. Other new thoughts have taken the place of those. Does that make sense?
Let’s get on to boat stuff. Like I said in a previous post, it’s an obssession, one that hasn’t and won’t go away. This time though I am fighting with every fibre of my body to not fuck it up. I struggle every day with my retardedness (Are we still allowed to say that?) that wants me to get this boat done NOW! I think I’m managing it ok so far.
Will I succeed? Will I fail? For me both outcomes are perfectly fine, which sounds very contradictory. Who wouldn’t want to be floating around the Med on a boat, sipping cocktails and entertaining scantily clad women? But… How fucking hilarious would it be after spending copious amounts of time and money on the fucking thing it sank, or worse?
Welcome to my world motherfuckers!
